r.e.s.p.e.c.t.

With a bow to Aretha Franklin, who made the song by the same name (“Respect”) famous…Here’s a surprising thing I found out about men that just might save your marriage!

I found out…that men value respect more than love. (Of course, we all know that women value love more than respect.)

He identified this assertion by posing this question:

If you were forced to choose one of the following, which would you prefer to endure…to be left alone and unloved in the world, or to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?

Out of 400 men, 74% said that if they were made to choose, they would prefer feeling alone and unloved to feeling disrespected and inadequate. Eggerichs collected data on a sample of women, too. The results were basically the polar opposite, with a comparable majority stating they would rather feel disrespected and inadequate than alone and unloved. Based on this data, Eggerichs concluded that a wife, “needs love just as she needs air to breathe” and a husband, “needs respect just as he needs air to breathe.”

The really interesting thing — listen up, girlfriends! — is that what we view as ‘normal conversation’ as women is viewed as completely disrespectful by men — and they think that disrespect is aimed DIRECTLY AT THEM BY YOU.

This is troubling, to say the least, because we think we are NOT disrespecting the men in our lives, and yet our normal way of interacting with them makes them feel disrespected.

So what is a loving partner to do?

We need to get smarter. Now, some people might think that even considering this stuff is stupid. Others might feel like it makes them ‘less than.” Some might even view this as manipulative. But I view it as framing the issues so that my partner and I are both happy.

I love making Erick happy! Do you love making your husband happy, too?

Okay, so here goes — a contrast between what we might consider normal and what a man might consider the sign of true love — his woman showing respect for him:

What We Think of as Normal:

Kathy: Hey Paul — do you mind if Jenny comes to the concert tonight?

Paul: Well,I only have two tickets. If you’d asked me last week, it would’ve worked.

Kathy: She’s going. Just wondering if you mind if she sits with us.

Paul: okay, cool.

How to Show Love/Respect for Your Man:

Kathy: hey Paul — looking forward to tomorrow! Hope your presentation went well!

Paul: Yeah, it did, thanks. Me too. Plan on leaving at 7:00?

Kathy: okie doke. I want to make sure we get some alone time after the concert, but my friend Jenny said she is also going to be at the concert Friday. She asked if she could sit with us. Hope you don’t mind that I said yes… I feel bad now that I said yes before asking you.

Paul: Well, I was kind of hoping you and I could do something alone this time. We’ve been spending so much time with the gang. It’s okay, though.

Kathy: Yeah, me too. I know you planned a really special date for us and I kind of messed it up. I’ll make sure she understands just you and I will be going out after the concert.

Paul: Okay! See you tonight.

Recap

Where is the disrespect in the first example? From a man’s perspective, it looks like Kathy is taking away Paul’s power to choose and not recognizing him as someone significant in the decision-making process. Kathy didn’t mean it that way, but many men would see it that way.

I know that I’ve messed this up in really GRAND ways in my past relationships. I’m sure there have been times when I was just talking, like a woman does, without any thought that my partner could possibly think I was being disrespectful to him — and I was making him feel completely disrespected. I’m trying very hard to NOT do that with Erick…we’ll see how that goes!

:)

Do you have any examples of ways that you really mucked it up (and you were probably surprised at his reaction because you were thinking like a woman) or ways you think of wording ahead of time that shows your respect to your partner? I’d love to hear your examples!

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