My Flavor of Depression

I realized this morning that I am depressed, again, and with it comes my primal instinct to avoid most people.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t generally feel “sad” or “down in the dumps”. Mostly I just don’t have the energy to face anyone outside of the people who I physically can’t avoid (family, co-workers, the public at large). It drains me even thinking about talking to people right now. It’s not anyone’s fault…that’s just how it is.

So far, at least friends have reached out to me to casually check-in or just contact me in some capacity, but I can’t bring myself to respond. I can’t help but feel like I’m “too far gone” from any and all of my social groups or that I’ve let them down in some way.

And that’s the cycle.

The process goes something like this:

Repeat.

That’s generally how my life routine goes. Some steps of the process last longer than others. I felt happy and fulfilled for almost 3 years once, but lately I am going around the circle more often.

It’s not hard to avoid people. You just don’t show up. Don’t respond. Don’t post things on social media. Don’t leave the house (except when you have to).

The hard part is trying to explain to people why you’re acting this way. Do I want to be this anti-social? Not particularly, but when someone asks “is everything okay?” or says, “let’s meet, I want to check-in with you”, or “hey, I hope to see you at such-and-such tomorrow”, that’s when things get real tough.

I feel that I have 2 options, I can lie or try to explain myself.

If I lie and play it as if everything is cool, and “I’ve just been busy”, then I run the risk of people thinking I am just a jerk who couldn’t give them the time of day.

If I try to explain the truth…well…I am really not certain as to why I can’t bring myself to interact with other humans. I could say, “depression” or “social anxiety” (two disorders that I am actually diagnosed with), but that generally doesn’t seem like it’s a good enough answer.

Depression and social anxiety are the roots of the problem, which I am dealing with therapeutically, but I can’t put into words the exact reason for what’s got my goat this time around the circle.

So for the time being, here I am. Stuck at step 5 of the cycle. I am thankful for everyone in my life. I hold all of my friends dearly, even if I can’t say it. Give me time. I’ll come around. I only ask that you can forgive me for being this way.

The silver-lining to being at the bottom is that, like they say, there’s no-where else to go but up.

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